There comes a time in every fish’s life that they have to learn about the big bad world out there. Unfortunatly for Keira the goldfish in our garden … this came all too soon …

We moved into the house in Lincoln (i can not disclose the address as i do not want randomers turning up at my door!) in the first few weeks of September. In our back garden (which we share with the people next door whose names I can not give just in case you work out where they live and therefore know where I live …) there was an old bath. Growing in this bath I’m afraid was something that looked incredibly like marajuana.

However my children do not be dismayed for was not I who grew the weeded drug. was in fact the previous tenants of our house (whose names I can not give you because again you will know where I live and all we know is their surnames cos we still get their post so if that is you, you can come get . Of course however you won’t know if is in fact you because you do not know the address of the house i live in so in that case, gutted mate you can’t have back! nur!)

Our super landlord Dave who is a bit like Jim (he will come and fix for you) used his super human strength and tipped over the bath to reveal loads of minging water and Keira the goldfish flapping about on the floor. In a dramatic attempt to save her life, Dave made like Ralf Harris (or even Rolf Harris! Ed) and scooped Keira up and put her in some fresh water in a bowl.

That’s when we noticed Johnny and Orlando (lol as you can figure, I had some minor influence in the name choice!). They were swimming around in a puddle in the garden nearby, fighting for their lives! How they managed to survive we don’t know as there are approximatly 12 cats in the nearby area who often go into the garden so all we can gather is that they are in fact  … MAGIC FISH!

Dave referred to his handy “Animal Hospital” magazine that he keeps in his back pocket for such emergencies and decided that these magic fish could also be kept with Keira (dum dum dum)

Now, I know you will be probably thinking “awww what a nice little story! Dave saved the fish from the evil boys who lived in Sam’s old house and made smell! What a nice ending!” … but don’t jump to conclusions!

Rebecca (one of my housemates) kindly took the fish home to her parent’s house in Kings Lynn. I offered but the 3 and a half hour journey back to my rents house in Essex would probably upset the fishies and i didn’t want them to be travel sick in the car.

All seemed well … until moving in day. There Becca broke the devastating news that Keira the Marajuana fish had in fact been murdered … by Teddy Merchant (Becca’s cat). Now Orlando is seperated from his one true love and him and Johnny often fight over her memory in the fish tank in the kitchen.

So this a reminder to everyone out there … you may think that you are doing a good thing by saving a fish and getting them off the drugs. But think twice my friends, that fish may be too stoned to enter rehab and will flap ’s way into the path of the next killer.

That’s all for today children. Next week I will be explaining to you why you shouldn’t cook Chicken Tikka without the chicken. Goodbye! xxx

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