Secret Diaries…..

whats behind the wrapper?

People have always told me that I’m special (though I think they mean in the retarded “special” way). I knew I was destined for big things from an early age. My surname (Kemzura) is a pretty unusual one and so I always used to make jokes with my friends about the fact I should be a Hollywood actress. However, I unfortunatly grew too fat during high school to meet the high demand for gorgeous looking actresses in the US (although the majority of them can’t actually act!) and so I had to give up my of my life in lights …. however I actually never wanted that and I’ve always wanted to be a primary school teacher. But you know, whatever!

Anyway recently after joking with my Adam about the fact my life should be made into a film my mind began to wonder. What if I did a home movie and got all of the important people in my life to star in and some random people to make up the parts of the irrelevant people that have had some part in my life so far. Hell, even if I got a massive budget from my close friend Steven Spielberg I could get some actual actors to play people. John Nettles would obviously star as my father (“there’s been another murder Troy!”), Pauline Quirk from Birds of a Feather as my mother, Matt Lucas aka Vikki Pollard as my younger teenage sister, Johnny Depp as Adam (well I find him just as sexy … as Adam of course!) and Keira Knightly as me … well a girl can can’t she.

 And as I’m a very musical person and can create song from any situation I thought why not create a musical?! I’m sure I could rope Andrew Lloyd Webber in (well he’s stooped really now with a bit part in Hollyoaks so hes in no position really is he?!) and together we could write one killer soundtrack with John Williams conducting the orchestra.

 So in the near future once is over I shall be holding auditions and talks with my reps. If you wana apply you need to get in touch with my PR but as I’m a very selective person and difficult to please (things annoy me a lot) you will need to work hard to get the number yourselves!

Closing dates are to be decided! Best of luck wanabe mes!

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yeah that’s right, Lincolnshire … you suck! And I shall tell yee all why …

On Saturday the 24th of November (also the date me and Adam got together!) a stupid drunk man tried to freak me out by attempting to break into my heavily guarded fortress! Well he could have been stoned instead of drunk but we don’t know and who gives a toss anyway because MY HOUSE WAS ATTACKED! yeah!

Kirsty had been at ours and only me and her had been downstairs when he knocked the first time … big mistake ASSHOLE! I told him to go away which he apparently did but did not see him on the street, but presumed he had gone that way. Kirsty then left, I luckily locked the front door and headed upstairs to my boudoir. I told my Northern housemate Amy not to open the door if anyone knocked when what happened … yeah, the creep came back! He had been hiding in our back garden the whole time and could see me and Kirsty through my kitchen window because our landlord Super Dave couldn’t be arsed to buy blinds! He had obv seen her leave and thought I was in the house on my own!

He hammered on the and the front door, tried the handle and looked and listened through the frosted glass … I know I’m good damn sexy mate but join the queue aye, honestly! I was shit scared as you could imagine so I rang the police.

Now I imagine most people would dile 999 in an emergency or if the crime was happening so thats what I did, but they made me ring Lincoln Police Station. Wow they were about as helpful as hiring a fitness expert and ending up paying for Rik Waller. They took my details, said they would send someone out and that I should just sit tight. I waited till 3am and the bastards still didn’t show. Luckily the guy went in the end but when I rang back to have a go at them they said i reported 40 minutes AFTER the incident (actually i specifically said he was there at the front door 2 minutes ago) and that I reported as someone suspicous on the street! Erm … NO I FUCKING DIDN’T BELL-ENDS! So they sent someone round the evening after - yeah thats well helpful cheers – and said they are reviewing the tape … im still waiting for that call back!

What made me laugh is I rang next door to tell them not to go outside cos of what was going on and apart from Kirsty who obviously knew no one actually bothered to ask me if i was actually ok! was only my who lives 3 hours away who actually offered to come and check I was ok!

So a HUGE thank you to everyone in your help there, especially Lincoln Police, gee maybe next time if someone actually breaks in, rapes me and stabs me you might actually be willing to get off your arses to come and see what’s happening … twats!

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Come on, you must have noticed too. Teenage mums (check), like 50 billion nail bars and hair salons (check), no decent colleges or places of higher education (check … Beauchamps 6th form doesnt count cos sorry its getting worse!), chavs hanging outside Peacocks when ’s raining/snowing/a hurricane a-blowing etc. (check) …

I could go on really but I think you’ve got my point … Wickford’s becomming a dive like Basildon was when got ’s reputation for all things chav related. And now Basildon is actually better due to the fact that the shops are getting a little posher, the teenage mums are now all grown up and the Olympic camp for all our athletes in the Olympics is at Gloucster park … and they got H&M and Subway!

Come on Wickford what’s going on? Do we honestly need that many nail salons in town? Erm no … we only need 2 beauty parlours in the whole of Wickford and they should be good ones … cos i don’t know about you but some of the people walking around that highstreet are looking pretty slapperish of late! We don’t need all the hair dressers. I go to Russels and they are fine in there. We could stick with that, one up near Southend Road for the old dears who can’t walk into town and one in Shotgate for the people up that end.

All the old shops are either gone or going. Sansoms (where I used to work) was forced to close due to the fact that we had more Pikeys nicking designer clothes than people buying them and was replaced with the bloody Hallifax. That shop had been there since Victorian times which I think’s really sad! Then Adrian’s is getting smaller and smaller to accomodate for more nail bars for the great increase of scum coming into our town and their offspring from 7 different fathers (hmmm classy!) and as a result the council are practically building on anything green in our town. will be the Memorial Park they start on next I’m telling you now!

And why do we need so many bloody estate agents? I can’t believe how many there are its actually stupid and of course the more houses/flats/shitty concrete houses for the Vicky Pollards of Wickford the more estate agents pop up to show off these houses and then we lose another good shop.

’s not good people! ’s got to the point where I actually PREFER Basildon to my own home town. So I think someone should do something about cos at the moment the whole bloody world is going mad I tell you!

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There comes a time in every fish’s life that they have to learn about the big bad world out there. Unfortunatly for Keira the goldfish in our garden … this came all too soon …

We moved into the house in Lincoln (i can not disclose the address as i do not want randomers turning up at my door!) in the first few weeks of September. In our back garden (which we share with the people next door whose names I can not give just in case you work out where they live and therefore know where I live …) there was an old bath. Growing in this bath I’m afraid was something that looked incredibly like marajuana.

However my children do not be dismayed for was not I who grew the weeded drug. was in fact the previous tenants of our house (whose names I can not give you because again you will know where I live and all we know is their surnames cos we still get their post so if that is you, you can come get . Of course however you won’t know if is in fact you because you do not know the address of the house i live in so in that case, gutted mate you can’t have back! nur!)

Our super landlord Dave who is a bit like Jim (he will come and fix for you) used his super human strength and tipped over the bath to reveal loads of minging water and Keira the goldfish flapping about on the floor. In a dramatic attempt to save her life, Dave made like Ralf Harris (or even Rolf Harris! Ed) and scooped Keira up and put her in some fresh water in a bowl.

That’s when we noticed Johnny and Orlando (lol as you can figure, I had some minor influence in the name choice!). They were swimming around in a puddle in the garden nearby, fighting for their lives! How they managed to survive we don’t know as there are approximatly 12 cats in the nearby area who often go into the garden so all we can gather is that they are in fact  … MAGIC FISH!

Dave referred to his handy “Animal Hospital” magazine that he keeps in his back pocket for such emergencies and decided that these magic fish could also be kept with Keira (dum dum dum)

Now, I know you will be probably thinking “awww what a nice little story! Dave saved the fish from the evil boys who lived in Sam’s old house and made smell! What a nice ending!” … but don’t jump to conclusions!

Rebecca (one of my housemates) kindly took the fish home to her parent’s house in Kings Lynn. I offered but the 3 and a half hour journey back to my rents house in Essex would probably upset the fishies and i didn’t want them to be travel sick in the car.

All seemed well … until moving in day. There Becca broke the devastating news that Keira the Marajuana fish had in fact been murdered … by Teddy Merchant (Becca’s cat). Now Orlando is seperated from his one true love and him and Johnny often fight over her memory in the fish tank in the kitchen.

So this a reminder to everyone out there … you may think that you are doing a good thing by saving a fish and getting them off the drugs. But think twice my friends, that fish may be too stoned to enter rehab and will flap ’s way into the path of the next killer.

That’s all for today children. Next week I will be explaining to you why you shouldn’t cook Chicken Tikka without the chicken. Goodbye! xxx

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