Secret Diaries…..

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Browsing Posts tagged dream

A lot of my energy at the moment is going into simply generating ideas for things to write about, in the past I’ve relied on random inspiration to give me a topic but recently I’ve started to examine where those random ideas actually come from.  My reliance on randomness regularly leaves me bereft of ideas which seriously damages my output so finding the source will help to stabilise things somewhat.  The search has revealed a few things to me about my and about my approach to some things outside of as well.

The major discovery is the obvious one, ideas come from everywhere and anywhere.  A comment in the middle of a conversation, an image glanced as you go about your daily life, all these things get stored away and eventually if your very lucky your unconscious mind makes some kind of connection and you’ve got a potential best seller idea waiting to be unleashed.  This makes a vitally important part of any writers life to make sure that they always have their eyes and ears open or else the ideas may pass you by.

Dreams are another useful source of ideas, both your own and other peoples, as a for instance this morning my girlfriend told me she had a in which two of my friends from the world of amateur dramatics were researching their next role by pretending to want to be part of the Mafia.  All on its own you’ve got the begins of a fantastic story without your conscious mind actually having to do anything.  Dreams however are fickle and where one day you get a prize winning short story idea the next you may get a complete damp squib.

Which brings me to an incredibly important point:  Good ideas do not always produce good .  Once you have that germ of inspiration takes a lot of work to turn from idea into finished project and if you don’t approach the process the ‘right’ way you’ll waste a lot of time polishing a turd.  Evidence of that (I’m ashamed to say) can be seen in various corners of this site where over excitement at the mere thought of turning idea into substance has resulted in badly formed and incomplete product.

This is what my quest to understand the source of my ideas has taught me, I need a Plan, up until now (to paraphrase Phoebe Buffay) I haven’t had a pl.  Hence the creation of The Plan, the overriding rules by which I now abide when doing anything for this site.  The details of The Plan will continue to be fleshed out as time goes on.  Much of The Plan is actually still unpublished as I’ve come to realise I need something which extends beyond this site and into my daily life.

Its a freeing experience knowing that a part of your life now has structure and some kind of future, has become easier and more fluid and the rest of my life seems to be following suit. So, if your a budding writer whose struggling to find focus or if your just feeling a bit lost in any area of your life, make yourself a plan, even if its only a list of what your going to cook each night for dinner ’ll help.

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Dreams

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I would like nothing better in life than to sit and do this every day, the sheer joy of is incredible and fills me with a sense of well being and purpose.  The challenge is turning part time into money making enterprise, something which isn’t easy.  The truth of the matter is though that there are now more people ‘living the ’ and making money from , drawing and otherwise creating content than at any other time in history.  The internet has opened up a whole new avenue and that avenue is spreading back to impact more traditional media, the days of self-publication have very definitely arrived.

This freedom to create which has been handed to so many people does of course give rise to the creation of a whole wealth of total crap, but some gems are really starting to shine through, the world of webcomics seems to be the most advanced of the new breed with many turning their comic into a full-time job.  Quite apart from the prolific (and the rest of the Blind Ferret team) over at www.leasticoulddo.com many others are making their mark and making their living in this new world.  Where the webcomics guys seem to have got right is by not limiting themselves, they are not only producing collections of the work they’ve presented on the web they’ve also expanded  into prints, T-shirts, figurines and even shot glasses.

So how do those of us with little in the way of artistic talent make use of these potential new money making avenues?  The phrase ‘you have to spend money to make money’ may come into play here, once you’ve established your as worth peoples attention you can spend a bit of cash getting a talented artist to create a few T-shirt designs for you.  If your fiction a few posters of your main characters may sell well.

The important thing is that there is no better time than now to try and make your artistic dreams come true, I’m certainly going to be trying over the next few months to make happen for me, whether that involves a whole load of or just some damn good only time will tell.

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Ok ok ok, so ’s been a long time since I’ve been on here but oh my god so much has happened in that time.

Where do I begin? Well, as a result of the university being ridiculous and sending me to a school which provided no support and then refused to listen when I said I wasn’t happy there I had to re-take the placement which I was fine with. Then there was a whole yo-yo situation about whether I would graduate or I wouldn’t. At first I was told I would graduate but obviously without the QTS (qualified teacher status) and could do the re-take after. That would have been brilliant. Then the next thing I know I’m in Lakeside shopping centre in the Easter holidays with my parents (so a very busy and not so private place) and I recieve a phone call telling me they cocked up and then I couldn’t graduate. Luckily I didn’t end crying down the phone or in the middle of the shopping mall like a total looney, but as soon as I got in the car was worse than an Oscar’s acceptance speech.

Months went by and I didn’t hear a thing from the university about what was happening and imaginably I became very cross. In fact so cross that my friends kept telling me to make public about how the university were letting me down and cutting me adrift after they stole all my money. That’s not really my style so I just threatened the university and explained that if I did not hear anything within quite a reasonable time frame I would be seeking legal advice. This seemed to have the right affect because within an hour I had a response from one of the people I had contacted attempting to shift the blame from themselves onto someone else. And so I ended up chasing several members of staff all over the place trying to get someone to give me an answer. Eventually after much arguing with the university and refusing to budge outside of their offices (a total of 156 hours was spent camping outside the door waiting for someone to talk to me) I was placed at a really lovely school in South Lincolnshire and the tutor in charge pulled out all the stops by putting me with a lovely class teacher and arranging daily transport to and from work in a selection of very nice cars (a Rolls Royce on the first day seemed to go down quite well with my class).

During this time I was going to stay with a friend of mine who I had met through university. She was living in a town which was about a 30 minute drive from the school I would be working at. The house was lovely and ideal for a young couple starting out. However my friend had obviously not read the section in the tenancy agreement that specified that you were not allowed any pets in the house. In fact they had so many pets could have rivaled London Zoo! And was clear that this abundance of animal mania was taking its toll on my friend as the house was infested with flies which in due course led to the appearance of maggot larvae in the carpets and cupboards and hatching at any moment. There was animal droppings and urine (and they had some pretty big animals …) all over the place and due to this hideous concoction of germs and just general lack of hygiene an awful smell lingered around the house that could be detected several houses down. was all quite evident in my fathers face when he dropped me off at the house. We knew they had animals, but we were definantly not prepared for what was inside the house. My dad kept asking me when my friend was out of the room whether I would be ok or not. I didn’t really have any options without costing my family a huge amount of money so just smiled and nodded. Dad being dad knew I was only smiling to make him feel better but there was no getting out of the situation. How do you turn around to someone and say “oh by the way I have had a change of plan, your house is so disgusting that the thought of eating anything in this place makes me worry about getting ring worms”? So Dad said his goodbyes and went out to the car where he drove round the corner, called my mum and broke down into tears. Meanwhile I had to try and look at the positive aspects (believe me was quite hard) but I had to just grin and bare . Afterall, these people had taken me in rent free (even though my parents had given them a hefty cheque to say thank you) and so who was I to throw that all back in their faces? The days went past, the smell didn’t seem to affect me because I was slowly getting used to . I was sleeping on an inflatable matress on the floor of their spare bedroom and I kept telling myself I could get through this for 7 weeks. was only when I had got through two matresses as one of the pets kept getting into the room when I was at work and ripping the lining to shreds within one week and I had to sleep on the floor surrounded by little cacoons of maggots ready to hatch at any moment that I began to feel quite down. I started getting incredibly sick at work, I had rashes appearing all over my body and was just feeling totally depressed. Everyone kept telling me to give up and go home, that wasn’t worth but this was my . I had always wanted to be a teacher and I wasn’t going to give up, was only 7 weeks of my life that would work for the better.

At this stage my tutor was becoming concerned with the way I was physically deteriorating. I was barely able to eat anything at work and was coping with 2 hours sleep a night at the most. My poor was receiving phone calls every evening where I would just end up crying down the phone for hours, begging him to give me some advice or tell me that was all going to be ok. The teacher mentor whose class I was teaching on the placement kindly invited me round her home to have dinner with her and her husband who were both incredibly lovely and she was always there to offer support and advice when I needed . In the end the tutor and my supporting teacher advised me to leave the house and find somewhere else which would be no easy task with no student loan or financial support from the university and the remaning £120 of my overdraft left in my bank account. Luckily my parents were incredibly supportive and went looking on the internet for places to rent and hotel accomodation. Unfortunatly at this stage I had only 6 weeks until I finished the placement and no one would accept a lodger for such a short time. Hotels were incredibly expensive and not within easy reach either. However one of the women who worked in the school office knew of someone who could have helped. Her daughter’s friend had a house with two bedrooms and she had recently been made redundant so needed financial help. If she was willing to take in a lodger and my parents were able to pay then I would be able to move. My parents agreed straight away and so I ended up moving in with a person I had never met before in my life. She was incredibly friendly and was really supportive of what I wanted to do and for the first time in what seemed like years I felt I could relax a little.

The placement went from strength to strength after that and I felt so at home in the school. The kids were lovely and respected me as much as any other teacher and I felt like I was part of the teaching team. The six weeks flew by and before I knew the placement was over. I got glowing reports and references from both the school and my tutor and am and always will be grateful for all their help. was incredibly sad saying goodbye to the kids after everything that had happened to get me there and then keep me there. I returned a few months later for the children’s christmas concert and the kids all seemed really happy to see me. I secured myself a teaching position on a temporary contract for 8 months in Hertfordshire so unfortunatly that was the last time I was going to see that class. I still feel quite sad about leaving that school several months later. To me they felt like they were my class, the first class that you teach as part of your career and I felt I was achieving isomething with them and as a result they are now the measure that all my other classes from past, present and future will live up to.

Now I am a year 4 teacher, I have moved into my first official home with my partner and although ’s challenging I am finally doing the things I love. Ok, so not every day is a picnic and not every lesson is some all singing, all dancing extravaganza but ’s learning from your practise, reflecting on your experiences and just enjoying that matters and I wouldn’t want to do any other job in the world right now. Maybe ask me in 20 years if I’m still teaching, I don’t know what the future holds in store for me. All I know is that I have learnt from my experiences as a trainee teacher and now I’m ready for the next chapter in my life.

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God this whole being home for the summer business really does get on my tits I can tell you! Firstly you get screwed over by your previous employers, then you get a job that pays poo and then you have the general public coming in talking to you like some sort of dog shit they have just scraped off their shoes because you are a waitress. Never mind the fact that I have now nearly completed my university degree (how many of them managed to get that far in their lives? Sitting in Wimpy having the same meal every day constitutes in my book as an incredibly dull and pathetically boring lived life! continue reading…

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I have begun to write my story as I go through university to reach my career so from time to time I will be posting extracts from my story onto this site. I hope you enjoy :-) !

This book is dedicated to my darling Adam who reminded me of the joy one can get from , to my family who encouraged me to follow my deepest, darkest dreams and the friends who I have made along the journey!

- x -

continue reading…

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People have always told me that I’m special (though I think they mean in the retarded “special” way). I knew I was destined for big things from an early age. My surname (Kemzura) is a pretty unusual one and so I always used to make jokes with my friends about the fact I should be a Hollywood actress. However, I unfortunatly grew too fat during high school to meet the high demand for gorgeous looking actresses in the US (although the majority of them can’t actually act!) and so I had to give up my of my life in lights …. however I actually never wanted that and I’ve always wanted to be a primary school teacher. But you know, whatever!

Anyway recently after joking with my Adam about the fact my life should be made into a film my mind began to wonder. What if I did a home movie and got all of the important people in my life to star in and some random people to make up the parts of the irrelevant people that have had some part in my life so far. Hell, even if I got a massive budget from my close friend Steven Spielberg I could get some actual actors to play people. John Nettles would obviously star as my father (“there’s been another murder Troy!”), Pauline Quirk from Birds of a Feather as my mother, Matt Lucas aka Vikki Pollard as my younger teenage sister, Johnny Depp as Adam (well I find him just as sexy … as Adam of course!) and Keira Knightly as me … well a girl can can’t she.

 And as I’m a very musical person and can create song from any situation I thought why not create a musical?! I’m sure I could rope Andrew Lloyd Webber in (well he’s stooped really now with a bit part in Hollyoaks so hes in no position really is he?!) and together we could write one killer soundtrack with John Williams conducting the orchestra.

 So in the near future once is over I shall be holding auditions and talks with my reps. If you wana apply you need to get in touch with my PR but as I’m a very selective person and difficult to please (things annoy me a lot) you will need to work hard to get the number yourselves!

Closing dates are to be decided! Best of luck wanabe mes!

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